Funny : Doctor's Day out
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynaecologist. This can lead tosome complications, as I recently learned to my anguish. A GeneralPractitioner phoned me up and told me that she is sending a patient ofhers for an abortion. Unknown to me, she had also referred a female withearwax for removal of the wax to my wife.
I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she wasexpected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our hospital,it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from herear, landed up with me. This is the conversation that I had with thepatient.
"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile. I always have abig smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a feeblesmile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. "Relax."
"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"
"Not at all."
The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we triedremoving it at home, but failed."
I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause seriouscomplications."
"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn'tbudge."
I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"
She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove itwith his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin."
"Oh my God!"
"Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."
My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered withoututtering a word.
"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"
I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was toomuch. I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent thishappening. Or you could use protection at night."
Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that ithappens only at night?"
I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you arein the mood, you should use protection."
She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"
Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of mood.It just happens."
"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by theroadside."
"You mean that pin man?"
"Yeah!"
This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides usingpins, he was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew wasamong the pins. "You were wise not to heed his advice."
"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside andwait. However, that also did not work."
This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to belocked up either in a padded cell or a barred one.
"But have you taken your husband's permission?"
Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband'spermission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai. Wewere not able to meet for the last one year."
It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of 'those'cases. The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect. Ireassured her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all needed."
"However, I did inform him on phone."
Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't knowwhether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her. So I hastilyturned to other aspects. "Its good that you came a bit early."
"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some otherwork."
"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed thisremoval, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed aheartbeat."
The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie.Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to thegrotesque details. I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You willbleed a bit, but only for a few days."
By now, the poor patient was trembling, "how-H-How much bleeding?"
"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will continueonly for a week or so."
By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring atme wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on theexamination table? Remove your clothes and relax."
This was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just ablur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed
I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she wasexpected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our hospital,it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from herear, landed up with me. This is the conversation that I had with thepatient.
"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile. I always have abig smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a feeblesmile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. "Relax."
"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"
"Not at all."
The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we triedremoving it at home, but failed."
I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause seriouscomplications."
"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn'tbudge."
I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"
She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove itwith his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin."
"Oh my God!"
"Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."
My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered withoututtering a word.
"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"
I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was toomuch. I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent thishappening. Or you could use protection at night."
Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that ithappens only at night?"
I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you arein the mood, you should use protection."
She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"
Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of mood.It just happens."
"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by theroadside."
"You mean that pin man?"
"Yeah!"
This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides usingpins, he was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew wasamong the pins. "You were wise not to heed his advice."
"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside andwait. However, that also did not work."
This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to belocked up either in a padded cell or a barred one.
"But have you taken your husband's permission?"
Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband'spermission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai. Wewere not able to meet for the last one year."
It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of 'those'cases. The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect. Ireassured her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all needed."
"However, I did inform him on phone."
Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't knowwhether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her. So I hastilyturned to other aspects. "Its good that you came a bit early."
"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some otherwork."
"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed thisremoval, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed aheartbeat."
The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie.Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to thegrotesque details. I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You willbleed a bit, but only for a few days."
By now, the poor patient was trembling, "how-H-How much bleeding?"
"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will continueonly for a week or so."
By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring atme wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on theexamination table? Remove your clothes and relax."
This was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just ablur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed
Labels: Doctor's Day out, funny
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